Pish Talk: Four Lions and a Couple of Oddbods

Due to a few hefty “sessions” over New Year, I was no good to man nor beast for the Four Lions rundown. Now, rather than go over previous points and old ground better tread by others, I shall attempt to bring something different to this here attack ship by answering one of the prickly questions thrown up by Chris Morris:

Wookie or Honey Monster?

Surely it can’t be that hard, can it?

Come on, they’re not even the same bloody colour.

Let us look at a few basic pointers to the differences, shall we?

Where the attire of each species is concerned, the Wookie roams naked and free as the day he was born, while the Honey Monster is well known for “hulking” sportswear. Those ill-fitting shorts should have been an instant give away.

Are these brand images normally known to cause any threat to society? Well a Wookie is mighty handy with a bowcaster, whereas the Honey Monster remains weapon-free. No wonder, could anyone fit a Rambo-esque bullet belt round that belly? I think not. Mind you, a china bowl can be dangerous when aimed at the head, and the weight of that sugar-crazed loon would ensure a heavy throw.

With regards to communication, the Honey Monster may be able to speak, but he cannot articulate the range of emotions that a Wookie can through one single “mmmmrrrrrrrrraaaaaarrrrrggggggg”. While a Wookie can be shown to be sad, concerned, angry and in pain…the Honey Monster instead looks permanently stoned. Yes, it may be wise to let a Wookie win, but you don’t have to worry about that with old Sugar Puff-head. He’s so wasted he doesn’t even know what game is being played never mind if he is even winning. Look at him.

There are tactile differences to be taken into consideration as well. The Honey Monster consists mainly of synthetic fur, the kind that breaks easily and gets everywhere – in your mouth, up your nose. Christ, it’s awful. A Wookie however, wears a fine coat of silken fur. Just think how lovely that hair would be to the touch.

As to whether either of the above creatures constitute being “bears”, well, a Wookie has much more of a physical resemblance to the humble Yorkshire terrier than a bear. In his loyalty to Han Solo, Chewbacca displays the characteristics of a faithful canine friend. Maybe not one you could take down the park and throw sticks for, but you get the idea.

As for the big yellow furry thing, his love for honey perhaps alludes to him being of bear descent and brings thoughts of Winnie the Pooh. But does he look like a bear? Does he hell. What IS he? Looks even more freakish at the start of his career. All mad-eyed and shifty. THAT is not a bear, THAT is just plain weird.

So should the fellas with the sniper rifles have known the difference? I think they may have been thrown by the orange hue of this particular variety.

Clearly a Honey Monster, and in no way a Wookie. I mean, it’s not even close to a hybrid of the two – which would instead look something a little like this:

Probably.

If this whole rambling post of nonsense proves anything, it is that Wookies are closer to dogs than bears, but due to their penchant for bee by-products, Honey Monsters – oh dear Gods, there’s more than ONE? – may be related to bears. In which case, a Wookie will remain loyal and always have your back, while the Honey Monster will just be out to pull a Yogi and steal your breakfast.

Lastly, if the whole episode with the police snipers proves anything, it is that lives ARE at risk if you are not up on your cultural references. And that, my friends, is my excuse for still watching programming and advertisements that are clearly aimed at children. 30 going on five? At least I’ll know a Gorg when it tries to eat me and a Groke when it tries to freeze me. Aware of the dangers behind unknown doors, I’m also guaranteed to keep up to date with the latest tunes via the medium of Yo! Gabba Gabba!